Building Confident Communication Skills

Feeling heard or properly hearing some one else is a simple matter if we can remove emotions and perceptions. Emotions are those subjective feelings we get when something doesn't resonate with us. They are beyond the rational mind and because the energy they hold, we lose the ability to function using our brain. Perceptions are built upon past experiences. They create a filter on your ability to see clearly the object or situation at hand.

How to move beyond emotions and perceptions takes some practice. We need to use tools that create the proper environment to express ourselves in a calm, detached, and straight forward manner. Create a relaxed comfortable environment away from others so you can have privacy and a feeling of intimacy. Basic rules of engagement should be refraining from speaking in circles, raising voice levels, interrupting, bringing up the past, name calling, and aggressive statements. Do not be afraid to walk away to calm down before revisiting the subject. Also, keep sentences starting "I feel" and "I need". Focus on your side of the story. Don't make assumptions about the other person. Let them speak for themselves. Take turns sharing feelings and needs. Repeat what your heard back to the person to make sure you are hearing them correctly then respond.

Sometimes it is better not to speak, but instead write out what you're thinking and feeling. Again, still using the rules of engagement. Writing gives you the opportunity to think before sharing your thoughts. You have time to develop and share what you are feeling and remove yourself from impulse reactions to the situation. Sometimes we get so emotional that we just can't put our thoughts together nor could we provide what our needs are. This is a perfectly valid way to create a safe place for discussion.

Please always confront your feelings and speak up when you are inspired to do so. Bottling these up will only bring upon unnecessary stress and creates an environment of disharmony. This is reflected in your physical body and environment. What you have to say is important, always. Being afraid of conflict will only bring on more. Much relief is to be had once it is out in the open, for both parties.

Remember that it is ok to disagree. There is no winner or loser, just two people wanting to be heard and understood. If it is a major issue that can't be worked through in this way, please get a nonpartisan mediator. This could be a trusted friend, relative, or therapist. There are three sides to every story, one person, the second person, and the truth.

Hold compassion in your heart, trust your judgment, and stand strong in your truths. We have nothing to prove, but much to understand.